9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
You Might Also Like
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.