Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
🤣🤣
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My kitchen overserved me.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.