You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.