When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
You Might Also Like
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.