[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.