Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The government even made aliens boring
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Happy Star Wars day!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number