“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.