Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Sign at work today
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture