Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
You Might Also Like
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
The Friday File.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
The struggle is real.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.