they鈥檙e called hooves, dummy馃檮
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you鈥檙e single!
Me: Yeah I don鈥檛 know. They鈥檙e crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Sorry we鈥檙e late, my kid thought he couldn鈥檛 go to school with hiccups
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it鈥檚 been a while since I鈥檝e had it- mac & cheese
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won鈥檛 know you started without them
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That鈥檚 okay. I鈥檇 really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Nailed it!馃憞馃徎馃ぃ馃ぃ馃槅
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Don鈥檛 you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he鈥檚 never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*