Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
respect
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow