You Might Also Like
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Strangers have the best candy.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!