Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
You Might Also Like
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.