My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Truth
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.