They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.