people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
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CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good