Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
March 16
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.