Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.