Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Smooooooth
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care