They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Isn’t
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Damn he played himself
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *