You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.