I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
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Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Meth is short for Elizameth.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
What’s so funny?
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again