I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey