the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Ok but actually
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
…..pretty much.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”