A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.