I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane