Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box