Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.