If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.