Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever