Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Don’t forget to tip your server
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*