Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.