I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah