Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend