Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything