[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: