Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.