Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.