*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”