My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*