Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn