Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
You Might Also Like
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber