Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE