Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.