Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.