Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets