My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.