Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You Might Also Like
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
How to properly lift a body
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.