add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?