WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men